I've always felt that there was something deeply wrong with me. I have many times been frustrated because other people are able to accomplish as much or more than me with half or one third of the work and thought that I have to put in to it. In eighth grade I went to my GP complaining of worry and he gave me a very low level antidepressant, Imiprimine. That didn't really handle the anxiety, depression, and migraines well but we didn't think I was "bad" enough to go to a psychiatrist (though I tried to get my mother to send me to a therapist--this took a long time to accomplish because she did not want to believe that I was not perfectly mentally healthy). Sophomore year of high school we went to a crackpot neurologist who kept me on the low dose of imiprimine and put me on a super high dose of vivance for adhd which gave me migraines that made me feel like I was hit by a truck and anxiety through the roof. Needless to say, I went off the vivance after two weeks and was afraid of most psychiatric medicine afterward. I have struggled onward through high school, managing to make good grades and be sufficient in my music but with absolutely no social life, very little sleep, a lot of stress, and a lot of frustration from my loved ones. Now, in my senior year, I have gotten to the point where it is difficult for me to function and to practice enough to achieve my musical dreams of playing horn in college. I feel like everything is a mental wall to hurdle over. I have lost motivation to do the things I love and I want to sleep a lot, and homework takes me hours and hours. I have finally been going to a therapist regularly, and he pushed me to make an appointment with a psychiatrist that he recommended because he said I needed medicine. I had my first appointment today.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, low-grade depression, and high functioning ADHD (because of my relatively high IQ I have been able to make it thus far). The psychiatrist was really nice and I was prepared to be wary of diagnosis because ADHD is so over diagnosed, but he knew not only the outside symptoms (like the ones he saw and the ones my mother and boyfriend reported) but the inside symptoms that I felt (like feeling like I must focus on one obsession and not being able to think about anything else). He said that because of my need to treat my headaches (caused by some stress but also mostly arthritis that I have somehow managed to develop at the age of 18), my anxiety, my depression, and my ADHD without exacerbating anything that I was a difficult case. He carefully considered and put me on Cimbalta for the pain, anxiety, and depression, and Concerta at a *reasonable dosage for my height and weight*. He also had to choose carefully because I have severe IBS and therefore a very sensitive tummy.

Now that I have been diagnosed and have medication to take, I feel absolutely LIBERATED. Even if we need to change the dosage or something, I am so prepared to take on anything in order to live a normal life. I've been so hard on myself because of all this, and I've always felt so ashamed because I haven't been able to achieve what the other people in my advanced classes and gifted class have been able to. My T and the wonderful psychiatrist have been so awesome to explain that my problems are not my fault; they are genetic and completely treatable. So, I thought I would start a log just for fun to track how my mood is doing.

So, today: For the last week, maybe two, I've been really depressed and barely productive. I've not practiced my horn or got any of my homework done, despite meaning to. I did take a two hour nap and browse pinterest and learn a lot about the cuttlefish. :P