I want to find out what is wrong with me. My husband and I separated about 10 months ago. In the beginning it was so beautiful. I was not looking for a relationship, I was content with my life the way it was, but I feel so deeply in love, I thought he loved me too. It seemed he did. Then about one year into the marriage he began accusing me of cheating, I never cheated on him, I was in love with him, I wanted no one else. It got worse and worse. He began calling me a *****, slut, %#@&#!, all these really bad things, I was crushed, this is the man I married and fell so in love with, and thought he loved me too. At first I just thought he was overly jealous, but then it got worse.
We separated a few times and each time he would accuse me of the worse things. Like one time he said he saw me in a motel room having sex with 7 different guys. This is an absolute lie. Another time he said I had sex with my brother and he saw me, again, a lie, sick lie.
He takes my strongest virtue, loyalty and smashes it. It got worse and worse. Then I began thinking that maybe he had big mental problems. I looked on the internet and the closest thing I found was something called delusional jealousy, the description fit him in every way. Of course he does not think he has mental problems. If that is true, then he is just a cruel, horrible person who was out to destroy me. I don't know what he is?
He does not want to make the marriage work, yet he calls me now and then giving me hope. The sickest part is, I am still so in love with him, knowing he might be just a really bad person. If he is sick, I would stand by him thought the whole thing, but I don't know what he is. And for me to love him scares me as to who and what I have become.
I feel ugly, and I am not ugly, but I feel that way all the time, my self esteem is 0 and I might be suicidal. Recently he sent me a text message which said this "You don't know me, but I know everything about you. You will never know the answers. I win."
I use to be so confident and self assured, now I am just wasting time living it seems, i cannot work, I am scared of not being good enough anymore. I am just hollow. I have lost my character.
Can anyone give me some input.
thanks.