I don't even know I'm writing this, trying to get it out more than likely.. A lot of people will know I'm about as pliable to new suggestions as a brick wall.. without further ado.

With my MPD playing up recently, i don't know why, but i just feel like i have dropped about ten thousand feet from just about cruising to floating on a sea of despair.
At the same time I don't care. As in honestly couldn't give two hoots about how i feel, or what I'm feeling or how it affects others.
The world can burn as far as I'm concerned.. Someone find me a match ?

Reminds me of a quote about the nuclear arms race.. Its like two sworn enemies standing face to face in waist deep gasoline, one with 3 matches, one with 2.. thats how i feel within myself sometimes.

Back on topic - I can't keep track of anything and maybe that's the problem.. I tried different stabilizers and it isn't working at all. Of everything I don't feel anything at all. I probably don't make any sense, which is to be expected as my brain is not being best useful at the moment. I'm scared of loosing control again, but at the same time, what a sweet release that would be, to not have to worry any more, to not have to care.
Its like so many things you take in life for granted, and then suddenly, like a whisp of smoke meeting wind, they are gone when you don't keep hold of them.
Its ****ing crushing. After so long, and so much.. After all the things that are said, and done. To loose and know your never going to get something back. The moment you can't cry anymore because your body gives up before your emotions do, you can't breathe because of the weight on your chest.
I can't even think of a way to describe it in any way, anyone will ever understand. the worst bit, you know its all my fault, its what I didn't do that made it all happen.
I could stare at this sea of unhappiness for hours and not be bothered, and half a second later be using all my strength not to jump in and let myself float to the bottom without a care. Without a request for help, nothing. Just give myself up to the ocean and her arms.