Dear All

Hi, how you doin?
I'm not so good meself. Don't wana sound like a harping cow or anything though! My body aint that well and nor is me soul! I'm not in a very good headspace. My binge and vomiting is so outa control. I've had some blood tests done which reveals that I'm not such a healthy wee specimen. I'm quite worried about meself and all, but not so much that I'll stop being bulimic for now.

I don't understand why I know that I can stop it but I just don't. I just keep on going like a chain smoker, ready for my fix of nicotine. Why am I so addicted to doing this? I know it's partly coz I'm a glutton for punishment. I think underneath it all I want my body to rot. I don't feel like I'm anything much so why bother looking after meself? I do care about myself to some extent I suppose. I'm so very sad. I'm so very sad that I've had to give up on so many things in my life for a few years. I feel like I am not right. I've given up so many things and that is so depressing. I'm supposed to be sorting myself out - but I just get myself into more and more troubles. I really am whinging now, but I'm so sick of this!!!

I have so many goals for my life. I want so many things out of it! Too many, probably. My problem is a lack of faith in the unforseeable. I don't trust myself enough to allow things to work out. I don't let myself breathe really. I feel like I can't make mistakes, so why start things in the first place? This is no way for a person to live. I feel like I'm in a straight-jacket or something. Maybe I should be some of the time.

I really need some radical changes to happen in my life. I definitely need to give up being eating-disordered. Somehow, I need to gather up hope and strength and get back some semblance of a decent life. I pray that this can happen for me and all yee others out there who struggle similarly!

Love Sezzie!