Quote:
Originally Posted by Anika.
I dunno, this part is sticking out to me tho... "*I'm sure you also say that its terrible to live constantly not being shown love but I say that's often because you don't see it your way." Doesn't that seem to be the same thing you are complaining about her doing to you? Her feelings on that issue doesn't count or is wrong, she is not entitled to feel that way because it's just in her head kinda vibe.
If you really want this to work you also have to take some responsability for some things you do too. I know you feel like she has put all the blame on you, and maybe she has. But doing the same back isn't going to get this solved either. You both have issues that sound important and worthy of looking at honestly together. I know you need to not take all the blame and stick up for yourself. But don't go so far the other way where you match what you feel she is doing wrong.
What I am getting reading this is that you only need to work on sticking up for yourself and nothing more. You talk about what her appropriate response should be to your feelings ( care and work with you on it), but the letter sounds like you are not willing to do the same with her feelings ( it's her own problem she feels like you dont sgow affection, suck it up). I dunno that is my take on the letter, not trying to be critical just trying to help. I know you didn't say suck it up, but it seems implied that you don't care about that and it is not your concern.
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Thank you. I understand what you are getting at and I will definitely give that some thought. I have always put a great deal of work into meeting her needs and doing so always required some change on my part. I'm not a particularly emotional person and am not very expressive and I never have been. Part of my going to therapy was to try to work on that but I need to do it because I find it a flaw in myself not something that may or may not please my wife. Therapist says that if I'm ok with it and don't feel the need to change then its part of who I am that my wife needs to accept if she actually loves ME.
One of the issues is that wife insists that "her perception is her reality" - and that is true - but at what point "her perception of things" become the problem? With some people - narcissists, for example - a person can try and try to please them but ultimately never can. That's one thing that I'm learning to deal with in therapy.
I don't know a lot about relationships - mine have generally been long and rocky. It seems to me that two people should accept each other for who they are and be happy in that and neither has to change but there can be compromise to meet in the middle when necessary but at the end of the day, each person is confident and strong in who they are. That's a bit naive I guess. What I see here is one person who is not strong and one person who is incredibly strong but the person who is not strong is trying to get stronger and that is causing problems. My therapist, who has seen us both, thinks that maybe my wife is not actually strong at all but all this is a front to massive insecurity so maybe we both have massive insecurity and deal with it in different ways.
I don't know really. I will edit the letter because I think what you state as your concern needs to be addressed in the letter.