mara, you already know after being 6 yrs. sober that drinking will not wash away your pain. you're just numbing those feelings. do you have a therapist that can aid you to rid yourself of feelings that lead you to opt out? if not and/or including AA to support you is the answer imho. all of us dealt with pain, remorse and other self destructive feelings when we got sober. i encourage or strongly urge you to start going to AA.
and your other addiction is just adding to the fire. in life we cannot go the route you have taken. your addictions and self medicating will cause more pain than you feel now. it's a path to no where. many of my former friends in AA lost their lives cuz they took this shortcut to hell while still living. my very best gf is one. RIP mary jane.
i'm glad you posted. you're reaching out cause you know in your heart your choices will not fix anything. hope you'll consider my reply. we're here to support you.