So in the last week it has been determined that I am not special to T and never will be. T cares because it is her job to care. She cares about all clients equally.

I have my doubts about how true the last point can be, but this is the reality with which I have to deal.

I'm not sure I know how to do it. I tried to quit last session. As expected, T didn't put up a fight. In the end, I decided to table it because I just wasn't sure of the right decision.

I've realized that so much of the reasoning behind why I did things in therapy was clouded by my desire to get T to like me. At times, it pushed me to be vulnerable when I didn't want to be. I think it also altered my perception of T. I tried to excuse away her distance and coldness because I wanted to find the opposite in her.

That's all been blown apart now. It's like starting over. But I don't know if it will work. How can you be vulnerable to a brick wall? That is just a recipe for pain and punishment.

I know therapy is not supposed to be easy, but I think there is a line between being hard for the sake of progress and just being plain torturous. The demeanor of my current T kinda makes it feel like the latter.

But how do I know if this is just me trying to run away? And how can I be vulnerable to a T who will never care beyond a paint by numbers sense? It feels like my risks are just expected instead of appreciated. idk