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Open Eyes · 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Thank you all for your kind words. I am at a loss for words at the moment. I'm stressed, and sleepy, and upset, frustrated and angry.It's gonna be one of those crazy kinda days. Thank yall again for your input and support.

Ok Big Mama, I know those days, have had quite of few myself. Well, you have to slow things down and give yourself permission to "not stress and develope a cycle". Instead, ok you are tired, so your day has to be as stress free as possible, make up your mind that today is not the day to spend time attacking the problems, but a day off from that instead. Anger? ok, you are frustrated so you have to make a decision that today you are not going to give yourself permission to sink into anger either. Hopefully your husband is out of the house today, it sounds like you have had him around too much and he is "observing" you too much and yes, that happens to me and I hate it too.

You have to learn how to develope more of a tougher shell when he gets to presenting you with those "intrusive and judgemental questions". Yeah, I know that is a challenge and can be very triggering, I deal with that myself. But, now you are getting more self aware and you "can" give yourself a mental day off, you really can.

Easy today ok? Don't make up your mind that "its gonna be a crazy kind of day", slow it down as much as you can and "don't feed into it".

" last night I made the mistake of laughing, I was in chat here at PC. " quote Big Mama

Here is a big clue to me in how you are stuggling today. Why was "laughing" a mistake?

This is something you should talk about in "therapy" by yourself with your therapist. Big Mama, you laughed in a chat because you have been coming out of your shell and slowly "enjoying other people and interacting" that was "healthy" for you.

One night not very long after I joined PC I was in a chat and that night that chat got very funny and I can't remember laughing like that in a very long time. I laughed so hard I hurt, it was a very good thing for me to experience because I had been way too serious for way too long, and I needed to have that experience, it was very helpful to me.

If I had experienced my husband or anyone else making any kind of statement that made me feel "bad" about having that experience, I would have been upset too.

What you have with this situation is a "talking point" for your therapy. You need to discuss this situation with the T, and the T also needs to discuss this situation with your husband. Your husband needs to be asked "why" he made his comments to you that resulted in your feeling "guilty" or that you "should have hidden your laughter or you made a mistake when you laughed". Like the other time, your T needs to step in for you and show your husband how he "disrespected your personal space".

This statement you just made means you are "questioning your rights" and "thinking you need to hide" somehow. WRONG. What you do need to learn however is the right comeback when your husband makes these "condescending comments to you".

If your husband wants that one thing on his list, "Love from you", then he needs to "know and respect you in a way where you actually feel he is "respecting you". Having someone actually be able to "Love you" means that you have a connection with that other person in a way that you feel safe with them, that they understand your needs and respect your needs, THAT DOESN'T TAKE PLACE WHEN SOMEONE NEEDS TO FEEL THEY HAVE TO "HIDE" something they are enjoying somehow.

The "appropriate" and "supportive" response he "should have made" to you was, "Hey honney, I heard you laughing, I am so glad you are connecting and have some support and that you got to have some laughs tonite, good for you". LOVING SOMEONE, means that that "SOMEONE" is able to see when something makes you feel good and encourages that feeling along and is actually happy for you.

The reason "why" this is a good talking point for both of you is because your husband needs to "not just lower his tone with you", but to really "pay attention" to what he says to you that "puts you down" and gives you the feeling that all you really want to do is "distance from him". Your husband "chases you away from him" and he isn't recognizing that fact.

I am sitting here typing this and guess what, I often have this problem with my husband too. And just now I decided, I am going to handle the way he gets short with me differently. I am going to tell him what I am telling you. Now, when he gets short with me I am going to say, "stop chasing me away with your attitude, be careful what you ask of me with your tone, because you are pushing me away".

With you however Big Mama, you need to bring this up in therapy first, have the T discuss this with your H so he "gets the picture not just from you but someone else". Then you can begin to develope "responses" when he treats you in a way that holds you back from the one thing he wants from you.

Food for thought,

(((Hugs))))

((((Hugs))))