High Treason, you are self-medicating--not just yourself but your girl friend it sounds like. You're using alcohol, attempting to manipulate problems existing in people and relationships--& requiring you to maintain tight control.

The most obvious problem is that, once you're under the influence, you increasingly lose the ability to maintain this control.

I've been exactly where you are. What you are hoping for is not going to work. You think you're in charge--but in addiction, the substance is in charge. everything you have written tells me you are addicted. I'm sorry, I'm know I'm coming off as a know-ain't-all ... but addiction is a one way street.

Please go to some open AA meetings. If you're not ready to face the truth, then I hope you live long enough to return when experience has made you wiser.
roadie