Hey all, new here, this is my first post.

Anyways, thanks to any who read this. This is a rundown of me.

When I was a kid, before 10, my mom died. I went into denial -- I either convinced myself it didn't happen, or more than anything, that I didn't care. I became successful at it, and in retrospect, that's clearly where my dissociation began...

Life was somewhat normal though, filled with happy memories, though I doubt I was ever fully "human" in any way. But everything took a drastic turn for the worst when I was 19 and my first girlfriend and me broke up. We had been dating for 13 months, and I loved her dearly. Upon our breakup, I cried every day for 8 months practically. I felt alone, like I couldn't breath -- like I was collapsing.

Then one day at the end of those 8 months, something changed. Something snapped. I told myself "I don't care" and the crying stopped. Everything stopped. I all but lost the ability to cry, and all but lost the ability to feel much anything at all.

5.5 years later, and I've gotten worse. I can never experience happiness, except in retrospect through memories. I never feel anything in the moment, except anger, but recently I've been able to even overcome that largely. People say they wish they didn't have to feel, and somehow I achieved it, and now I see what a monster it is, and want desperately to reverse it. I don't feel excitement, I don't feel happiness, I feel nothing but pain, or numbness and sadness. I fear being alone.

I am engaged these days, and feel dependent on my fiance unfortunately. She wants to know why I don't feel, though I've explained this. I wish I had the true answer for what I've somehow broken, but more than anything, I wish desperately I could fix it.

I need to know how to fix it. I can't stand being emotionless anymore. Luckily I have some narcissistic traits (though perhaps backwards, due more to an obsession with fixing myself than overcompensating for flaws), which prevent me from being suicidal 100%. But I feel a false sense of confidence, a false sense of being. I don't feel emotion -- I want to feel happiness, I want to feel excitement, adventure... but I don't.

And I want to again.