A WORD OF WARNING...THESE JOKES ARE OF A SEXUAL NATURE, SO IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, DO NOT READ ON...

A radio station in Australia ran a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing moments in listeners' lives.

The final four were:

Fourth Place.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other customers. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go, I'll tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy's willie last night.'
After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Third Place.

"It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.
As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!".
My entire family - parents, grand-parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and all my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were rooted to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

Second Place.

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag.
The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear: "Price check for Tampax supersize".
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks", and replied in a business-like tone, his voice booming over the same public address system: "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?"

First Place.And the winner is . . .

This happened during a biology lecture at a major Australian University.
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar? "
The professor responded, "Yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said.
She picked up her books and, without another word, began to walk out.
However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question: "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip
of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."


simon