>> I kind of envy you being able to poop

That's funny because a few months ago I was constipated and I was revelling in it. Most of my life goes in the other direction and to experience the opposite is like a highlight. It certainly depends on what you are "used to"

I'm having a colonoscopy tomorrow, I have them often and they are no big deal. The prep is more annoying than the procedure. Most of the time I sleep through the whole thing. Last time was the first time I stayed awake and it still wasn't bad at all.

But this time with the depression and the arthritis it is a much different deal. I underestimated when I spoke before, I'm in really really bad shape tonight. The arthritis is making the constant trips to the bathroom very painful and I still have maybe a half hour to an hour until things "settle down". And mostly it is really just triggering me right back into the illness mindset of when I was young and very ill (I have colitis). It is a disease with a huge emotional factor, in addition to the stress triggers when you are ill your world changes, there is a tremendous fear of being away from a "comfortable" (i.e. familiar) bathroom so travelling becomes fearful, and in the heat of it you are so weak and both emotionally and physically exhausted by the trips to the bathroom. You sit there for sometimes hours without any clear "signal" that it's over, and when you decide it is time to get up half the time the act of standing opens you up again for the next bout. When you finally do manage to get out and back to bed very often you have to get up again in just a few minutes... so you can't even follow a story on tv or relax or anything. You are physically exhausted from lack of sleep, emotionally very fragile, weak from lack of eating, and very frightened.

And even though I know that this is unrelated to that, in that this is a controlled reaction and will be OVER tomorrow, it seems that this time all of my childhood fears are back.

I'm hoping really that I will just be drained enough emotionally to fall right to sleep tonight and sleep through the night. Once the medicine runs through the bathroom trips should stop, unlike the experience of the real illness.

Tommorrow I will probably be whipped so don't be surprised if I don't log on at all tomorrow after the morning. Friday I hope to be more back to myself.

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