Hi Everyone,
First I want to say that I do acknowledge that I said over the weekend that I wouldn't be posting threads anymore. I still do have issues with some things that happen here, but also realize perhaps I could have voiced these concerns in a calmer way.
This is something I think many of you would apreciate. On Friday I had a veryy difficult conversation with my caseworker from the mental health center I go to. A caseworker coordinates your treatment plan helps link you to resources, goes to pdoc appointments with you ETC. So is not necessarily a therapist (though some staff do casework and therapy and I believe mine has two clients as she's very new to doing therapy,) but is expected to be emotionally supportive.
Anyway, she was driving me home from the center and we were discussing an issue that had been very stressful for me for a couple months now and finally seemed to be coming to a head where I felt I had to choose between continuing to get more stressed out, (as I learned that if I pursued this the conditions would be more stressful for me,) or to put it on hold for now and do what I feel is right for myself. This is hard as I worry about disappointing people.
Anyway, I think it's beyond this concrete issue too. I just had a lot of built up emotions between this issue, still not having found a t and probably a million other things. So at some point during the conversation I started crying and couldn't stop.
It took her longer than I would have thought to actually address how upset I was. Before she did, and even after, she continued to talk to me as if I was still my logical just normal self. Usually when you're talking with someone problem solving or whatever, and they start to cry or have another emotional reaction your approach to them shifts somehow in response. The voice softens or changes tone, the person shows concern or something else to make the other person aware that they acknowledge that a big shift in mood has related, and the conversation often changes course as well.
Well this didn't happen. It's as if she was still stuck on problem solving this issue even as I was falling apart.
Her only suggestion in addressing how to calm down was to take deep breaths and relax my body. I timidly asked her if I could hold her hand, as this had worked before to help me calm down with my last t. I still planned on following her advice about breathing and relaxing, I just really felt I needed the extra support.
She said evenly that we'd had this conversation before about her comfort level. I had misunderstood it back then, only thinking she wasn't ok with hugs or the physical sitting close/ holding that my t had done. I didn't realize that something as small as her hand on my hand or arm or me holding her hand for a minute to calm down would be something she'd have a problem with. But she would not budge on the issue, no matter how much I said how hard it was to even ask, and then ask and get told no when I was clearly so upset. Taking deep breaths didn't help much in fact sometimes it made me cry harder.
She talked about how she's just not comfortable and wouldn't be with any of her clients. She also worried that I'd rely on the touch too much to help calm down and not have other skills. I said that my former t I thought had a middle ground between using just touch and also helping me find skills myself. I didn't think it was either or, or should be. Still she held firm.
I eventually did calm down after a long long time. But this situation hurt me very much and kind of stopped me in my tracks. I always thought, excluding anyone's job for a minute, that just person to person if someone saw another person as upset as I was, and especially if they knew this other person was without sight so couldn't see the caring look on their face, that their first impluse would be to reach out and touch them even in a small way. I mean it could be just me, but I almost don't think you even have to think about it. Whether you follow the impulse or not I'd think it would still be there.
But a friend of mine reminded me that so many ts just don't consider touch at all in the work. It's not covered well in school, many consider it fostering dependence or doing other harmful thinggs, and it simply never enters their minds. So she said that it just never even entered the caseworker's mind as an option even though I may have wanted or even needed it badly.
As time has gone by I've really reflected on all of this. Maybe the caseworker, other ts, and those here on the forum are right about touch not being a part of therapy and about that being ok. I've been trying to find ts where based on their training/ philosophy would be ok with touch, but am finding very very few. As I've said in other posts IL seems much more tradditional in the types of therapists that are there than MA. Maybe I need to adjustmy expectations to this rather than expect others to. I agreed with my last t too that touch is especially important due to the fact that I'm blind. And yet I've worked with two professionals so far who have known this seen my struggle and still held their boundaries. Maybe in spite of my thinking I need it, I just need to learn how to calm myself down like anyone else and that's it. I can't be interacting with say the caseworker, and have what I feel as this need still inside me. Expressing it and having it not be met would just make it worse. Maybe I was spoiled by having the t that I did, and so have an unrealistic expectation of what ts can provide. I try to remind myself that a t isn't friends or family and those are the people I should be getting touch from.
I was wondering anyone's thoughts on the situation. I imagine many people would agree with the conclusions I've come to over the past couple days. Maybe it will make finding a therapist easier without these high expectations for something that maybe isn't supposed to be there in the first place, or perhaps I needed it at one time but now I don't. I was supposed to see a potential t tomorrow but this got canceled due to a stupid snowstorm. I did send her a reflection I wrote on qualities in a therapist, in which touch was a big one. I had planned to say how it had helped me, but also this recent difficult experience and how that's made me realize maybe it's not so important or something I actually do need. It's just very emotional for me but I'm trying to be brave and accept it.