I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. In case this might help--I have had times when my despair was just relentless and kept dragging me deeper and deeper. I usually don't have anyone to talk to about my problems. and Ts are not always available so out of desperation I started to talk out loud to myself. I talked about things as if I were talking to a T. I even talked back as if I were the T. This has helped me out of some rough patches, if not permanently, at least temporarily. I hope you will be able to find something to help you feel better nicole. Thinking of you and wishing you well.