At 4-5, my fear of abandonment was already developing due to my parents' constant fighting and a suicide attempt on behalf of my mom. I also already knew that most negative emotions were considered unacceptable. Only anger and physical pain were okay. My knees started dislocating when I was five and I remember pretending they had dislocated for attention. I also felt like a bother to others already. I remember being in a half-sleep and my mom coming in and asking me if I wanted to go to Dairy Queen. I was afraid to get up or say I was awake because I was scared of being a bother. I also remember sleeping in a crib in my parents room until I was 4 or 5. I remember several nights where I imagined the curtains being monsters and being scared silly but making no noise because I felt as though I'd be punished if I woke my parents.

I believe my first time disassociating was after my mom beat me when I was eight, and I was doing it regularly by the time I was ten due to a deteriorating home life (all of my siblings left when I was 9...more abandonment stuff) and being at the mercy of bullies at school. I never told my parents or anyone of my bullying until very recently, once again because I felt as though I'd be rebuked if I said anything.