So its over. He told me a month ago that he will probably never love me. Ouch.

I met him on Eharmony. That worked for me. On an intellectual level we really connected. But intimately we just didn't connect. It just wasn't there. I tried to fool myself for two years, thinking foolishly that he will grow to love me. I think he did too. I think he really wanted to try to force himself to love me that's why he waited so long to tell me.

I feel so many emotions right now. I cried for about three weeks straight. But I don't really feel anything right now. I feel horrible about myself. I think I am fat and ugly. I used to tell him this all the time. That contributed to his "unlove" for me. Men really don't want to hear that you feel so bad about yourself. They also secretly want drama and a challenge. That's what he said. He has loved people that never loved him back. Men like a challenge.

We always want what we don't have. I loved him soooo much. I loved him when I woke up. I loved him when I went to sleep. But he didn't love me. He didn't feel for me. And for two years I tried to fool myself and think that he would change. That maybe he would. He never did and he never will. If it isn't there it isn't there. Accepting it is the hardest part. I tell myself that if I was more beautiful he would love me. That probably even isn't it.

My conclusion. Men don't know what the hell they want. Eff them. I will be alone for a very long time now. I know I will. Time to work on me.

Like I have been. This month has taught me so much. Between all the crying I have been exercising, beating punching bags doing that sort of thing. I even haven't been around Psych Central much like I used to.

I have to be strong, I can beat this. But oh the pain is a lot. So much still.......