I couldn't come back to this thread yesterday. Thanks for responding to it.

T didn't change the rules as such - she said a while back that she felt hand holding was pulling us both into something unhelpful and that she didn't feel able to hold my hand at that time, but she didn't say in so many words that she wasn't going to do it any longer. I suppose that has made the need linger in me but I like the fact she hasn't said 'no.' She said she acts on what feels appropriate for us both in the moment and that's why she hasn't drawn that boundary full stop. The fact she leaves it open helps me retain some sense of her care.

At times it HAS been helpful. A couple of the most healing theraputic moments were in fact when she was holding my hand because it has settled deep seated anxieties that have never resurfaced in the same way again.

I'm badly triggered at the moment and her decision yesterday hit hard. I can see what she means about not wanting to get pulled into something unhelpful since I'm working through issues relating to my parents but I felt it would have shown me some sense of her care and it would have settled things inside me again especially as our relationship has been unsettled lately.

Button I do see what you mean about feeling rejected but at the same time I've not wanted my hand held all the time. It comes up at random and I feel I've progressed enough to not be pulled back into the same messiness as before. I honestly feel that if my T had held my hand and then couldn't for whatever reason next time I will deal with it. In fact, I have dealt with that very scenerio before and even found myself agreeing with her that it wasn't helpful at that time. It really depends what place I'm in and yesterday I honestly feel it would have helped me to have contact with her. But I respect that's not what she felt.

Can't Explain I think I understand what you're saying. I too think that therapy shouldn't be about rejecting someone in order to avoid the feeling of rejection.