I've been thinking a lot about your posts in the last couple days in the hopes I could figure out something about myself and I believe to a degree I have, or at least figured out a starting point.

I know for a fact that I hate myself and don't believe I deserve to be loved and cared for. I also know that self esteem really has never been good at all and I've never worked to change that. This is my goal now. I did some reading, and the journal idea sounded like the best option. To say negative things, then work on countering them etc.

A perfect example of low self esteem is that people have said I look good on here, but I just don't believe it because literally one girl has ever paid me a compliment looks or otherwise, period. So somehow on here girls are understanding of my situation and find me attractive which (Honestly still doesn't sound possible to me) is crazy because it doesn't happen in real life so there's some kind of disconnect there. My theory is that people are just too kind on here on account of it being a mental health site.

RomanSunburn you brought up a good point with the comments I make within my posts to try and degrade myself in a way so that people don't think I'm something that I'm not. I'm going to work on this, or at least recognizing when I do it now and really question why I'm putting it in.

It seems that this week is the most important week of my life. It's ridiculous how powerful all my thoughts and feelings have been and has obviously caused me problems with thinking of suicide because I just don't see a future. I honestly wish I could take this week back and just do what I was doing before, blissfully accepting I'd never find a girl and I'd end up killing myself once my mind decided it was time. It's crazy, but it really seems like a better idea then trying to sort out all this cluster of well, you get the idea.

I came to post here because I just needed to get it off my chest and I'm fighting ever urge in my body not to just click away and forget about ever trying to post this but I'm drawing inspiration from those words. Now people will think "Ugghhh. Unbearable". Anyways I digress. I just always feel selfish.