(possible triggers) and long-ish.

when im having one of my "moments" whether it be that i'm having a panic attack, im ultra super depressed & sad or extremely angry...

i always seem to forget all of the things i've learned that can help. methods ive found through my own research, things ive gotten from my therapy and things ive learned here for the short amount of time ive been here.

i have so many things in my toolbox, but im not using any of them...my mind seems to blank on them when im in certain modes or moods. i cant think of anything else other than what's going on in that particular moment.

after everything is over, i'm always saying to myself "i could have/should have done this..." but in those moments, those other things dont exist...there's only anger and/or sadness and/or fear. of course everything positive i could have done always comes to me AFTER the fact.

i wish i could be more mindful and aware.

coping mechanisms only seem to work if you can get into a rational mindset...and well, i suck at being "rational" because all i ever want to do is freak out, throw things around, stab, cut & rip through material with knives & scissors, cry, cry some more, scream, pull hair from various parts of my body...all of the not-so-great ways to "deal" with feelings.

why cant i ever remember the positive coping methods in the moments im supposed to remember them? why do they seem to not exist until im already "okay" again and dont really need them AS much?