I once asked my therapist why I can't just decide to act a different way. He said your brain develops along certain pathways over time. You can't just suddenly change it.

You say you've never known any other way. That knowledge isn't just something intangible floating in your brain. It's the wiring of your brain. It hasn't had to cope with this before. You've been coping in a world where you haven't been able to tell, and now that you have been able to tell, your coping mechanisms aren't working because they were developed to cope with the previous world, not this one.

Please excuse the rubbish metaphor, but it's a bit like saying: my shoes have been hurting me for years, and now I've stepped onto an ice rink and I can't even walk any more. I want to walk, so I'll get somewhere, but I keep falling over. If I don't walk, I'll never be able to change my shoes, but that doesn't mean I can do it.

"I have a habit that if saying something is going to make me cry, I just wont say it. But then I know its never going to get any better."

I think a very great number of people have felt exactly this. You didn't want to have that thing to say and you wish you didn't need to say it and go through the pain of saying it. You're dealing with shame that belongs to someone else, that someone else has subjected upon you, and all the feelings that come with that.

The way you feel may not make sense to you right now, but it does make sense.