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Originally Posted by misskeena
Isn't it funny how we're so terrified of being abandoned but we make it impossible for people to stay with us?
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Very true. Although I find nothing about it "funny", I'm just being literal here but it's depressing even more to know this.. I don't know if it's impossible to live with us, but it sure is pretty darned close at best. Thankfully reflecting on my ex and her claims that it was about me, and now looking at her behaviors and her true colors, I have this to feel good about - It
wasn't all me. Yeah I contributed to her wanting to leave, I know I was difficult at times but I know now, she did her share. Truth is, part of our problem though, is that we take 100% of the blame for broken relationships and it's never
all us. Remember that. I'm sure you push people away but, remember the others, your real friends, and significant others, the ones worth keeping, will
want to know and understand you. Yes they are rare, but they are out there. Maybe they'll be BPD too but in the end they'll always stick around.
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I'm so ashamed at how I behave and you'd think this shame would make me act better. But I always know that, tomorrow, there will be something else which will make me afraid to trust someone or make me angry that I dared to open myself up. And all of that anger that I spew is really just pain. The hate is just pain. The manipulation is just pain. Isn't it all just pain? The entire borderline existence feels like having your heart squeezed until it feels like it's going to pop out of your chest. Or like having no emotional skin and being thrown into big tub of lemon juice. And no non-borderline could possibly get it, how it feels to be borderline. They get what it feels like to be on the receiving end and they resent you for it, even if they say they don't. But they have no idea how horrible it is to live inside your head everyday and how ashamed and sorry you constantly feel because you know you're better than this, that you're more than this disorder even while you feel completely overcome by it.
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A very good description of how it feels. I totally know this feeling.
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Anyway. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. And maybe ranting. I'm just so tired of the endless cycle; I get angry about something. Then I'm sorry. Then I'm ashamed. Then I resolve not to be angry and obnoxious again. The next day comes along, I get angry about something again...and so it goes. I hate this so much.
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Rant away! That's what this place is for! Just know there are those that will actually listen and respond here *hugs*
~S4