Hi Everyone,
Wow! Thanks so much for all the thoughtful and supportive replies.
Yes, I agree that society's general tendency to shy away from all touch really doesn't make much sense. I also think it's such a personal issue that people's boundaries need to be respected on it, even in an environment where touch is more the norm. Even though I felt I wanted it or even needed it from the caseworker I also kept saying that I didn't want to hurt her or disrespect her boundaries, so I was never about that. I think I wrote a post awhile back about the t I saw att this same place who wasn't comfortable with touch/hugs, and someone said I should demand this of them because I believe it's what I need. I wouldn't do that as I think it would be very insensitive.
It's the part about her saying it's more important for me to focus on ways to calm myself down on my own, rather than relying on the touch and what if others weren't there to provide it? This is what made me start to think that maybe she's right and maybe I'm at a point where I don't need it in therapy, even if before it was helpful in order to help encourage expression of feelings and for me to feel contained. I'm getting better at expressing my feelings, I can't believe I said all I did to the caseworker in the conversation we had even while so upset, so this is why I started feeling maybe it's more of a want than a need.
I'm not sure but I think therapy could procede without the touching. I never would have said it before this incident, because I was so focused on how helpful it had been in the past and just trying to find someone who could provide that, Ididn't stop to think about adjusting my expectations to the fact that I may not find someone or it may not be as big a deal as I thought. I did do good work particularly with the psychiatrist I saw for a couple years and there wasn't much touch at all except an ocassional hug. It would be different work than I did with my t from MA, but maybe it's what I need right now and could be valuable in it's own way.
Ann your response means a lot! Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness and insights. You're right that this is less about the issue of whether touch is right or wrong in therapy, and more about dealing with not getting what you want, or having to really consider if this thing is really something you need or just something you want strongly.
Telling myself that touch isn't necessarily the job of a t, but only something used if they're comfortable/ really feel it's for our long-term benifit is helpful. And that I can get touch from others besides t, like a friend. Someone I know who does brain gym and developmental movement sessions even shared with me ways I could touch myself to help calm down. Like I guess putting your tongue on the roof of your mouth helps with stopping crying, never heard of that but she's very smart in this area so I at least will give it a try! Kind of funny though LOL!
Having more realistic thoughts about this still doesn't take away the difficult feelings of sadness and kind loss of something that all this time I felt was such a need in therapy and really I think isn't. I just don't know about asking ts in the future for touch. This whole experience has made me really reflect on whether that's necessaryor not. I certainly won't hold it as such a big expectation when looking for a t, which will probably make it easier to find someone! And if I do get it, I don't know, I don't think I'll let it be so much the focus of what I want from the therapist as I did with previous t. I've just become more cautious about the whole thing.
Thanks again so much everyone! Oh, and I think those of you are right that the caseworker could have showed more caring in her tone of voice. But again, unfortunately showing a lot of caring even through their voice seems to actually be kind of hard for some of the people here. I don't know, but again I can't make people be a certain way. An interesting thing though is that last week my caseworker couldn't take me to my pdoc appointment. Caseworkers work on teams of three and so cover for each other with stuff like that. So I went with a different caseworker. She has come from a background of sociology and criminology. I felt like her way of interacting with me was much more natural and just herself rather than being clinical and careful with how she says things all the time. I guess it has it's negatives in the sense that she's come to this work without the clinical training others have. But then again she hasn't developed the detached clinical persona that I personally don't see as helpful in working with clients. Just interesting to notice.
I'll keep everyone posted on my t search going forward.