I know exactly but ur going thru. Iv experienced the same things as u. I grew up in a broken house. I lived with my mother on a daily basis nd would visit my father every other weekend until he gave up parental rights nd my grandmother nd grandfather took my father's visiting days. I nvr used 2 hv many memories of my childhood experiences at my father's or grandfather's house. I do hv some memories of life at my mother's although not many. i hv been hving flashbacks lately but nothing concret enough tht i could recognize my attacker or even being attacked. Mostly wht i remember is extreme fear, screaming, and strong hands grabbing me. I can sorta sense tht something happened but i cant remember enough tht i can move on or get over it. Im sure tht if i was attacked it was either by my father, grandfather, or half brother who is 8 yrs older. They are all mentally unstable nd i fear tht any of them may b capable of sexually assulting me. I know that people say ignorance is bliss but ik tht for ppl like u nd me not knowing is even worse. U feel guilty for suspecting a family member of abuse even thou some small part of u knows it happened. You can nvr confront ur attacker or move on aftr ur attack. I am so sorry ur dealing with this. I wish i had an answer tht would help u. All i can say is if u think ur strong enough keep pushing urself 2 look into ur mind. Through the velvety black curtain tht shields ur memories. I hope tht one day u r able 2 confront ur abuser nd r able 2 hv a happy sucsessful life. <3