So, here goes.
The torment...raging anger and frustration spewing out at the ones i cherish most. Then even within minutes, incredible embarrasment, shame and enormous regret when the realization settles into my mind that once AGAIN i've totally blown it and made an *** of myself. Overcome with remorse and no way to go back in time - and this time - catch myself before the rage erupts. Feeling pathetic and so genuinly sorry, falling over myself apologizing to my loved ones, hoping they will understand one more time; knowing i'm pushing them away a little at a time. Being left, and then my temorary false ego false flares up in anger and rage "why does everyone leave me? I showered them with love and support, but once again i'm alone! Its unfair!" of course then comes the opposite: "i'm a bad person, i don't deserve love, everyone is more interesting and lovable than me, i'm ugly, i hate myself, etc.".

My question is:

Howcan anyone possibly move forward, grow and feel some true joy in their life while constantly battling the emotional and mental internal torture described above?

Its like one step forward, 3 steps back...every single day, after day, after day.

Seriously, please, if you can offer any insight/feedback/ or even true understanding...

Don't hesitate. Please.

Thank you.