" Maybe I'm an abusive psycho and I drove him to madness. Then sometimes I see a picture of him smiling and then I hear he's graduating college soon and my mind thinks look at me, I can't get out of bed, I can't hold down a job...when was the last time I smiled " quote bluefish

This internal conversation is "bargaining" which is what those with PTSD tend to do and it only makes them worse, hense the situation you are in where you can't get out of bed and feel lost.

Just because you see your ex smiling and graduating from college, doesn't mean he has gotten his life together and is "a better more functional person". There are lots of people that graduate college and are still very "disfunctional" and are not able to be reliable in a relationship.

What happened in your relationship was something you honestly didn't see coming and didn't have the life skills to understand it for what it was. It sounds like you were a high achiever and had a strong religious mindset, but you were not able to understand how disfunctional your husband really was. You had a lot of things happen that you never imagined and you really lost your way and ended up losing so much too. The fact that you are where you are and "self blaming" and even wondering if you are the one at fault, is typical of PTSD that is stemming from having something happen that you honestly never anticipated.

I suggest that you get help, you really cannot "heal" from this until you have access to someone who understands PTSD and can show you where your thinking patterns are confused and not helping you at all. You may not be struggling with Bipolar either, it may all be due to PTSD, which has the ups and downs that can appear to look like someone is also Bipolar. PTSD has cycles to it similar to Bipolar, so my suggestion is to get a more accurate diagnoses as well as a therapist who specializes in treating PTSD patients.

I have a therapist myself that understands PTSD and has treated lots of patients that struggle like myself, and like you are saying how you are challenged. I personally found my T to help me alot better than just a regular T because he does understand the PTSD cycles and has helped me to understand it better as well so I can learn to gain more control over it verses just assuming that I was going to be controlled by the PTSD and the kind of thought processes you are discussing.

Right now, nothing is more important than "you getting the help you need". You can't let your worry about a therapist seeing you as a monster. A qualified therapist will not see you that way at all. You are a victim here, and a good therapist will clearly recognize that and will work on helping you understand that as well.

Open Eyes