Well, Iīm really confused.
I think after my traumatic experience, or a weeks later, I started to act just as before as if nothing had happened.
Of course, I didnīt have the spirit anymore, I think I did not have motivation or WANT to continue to thrive and learn and study etc.
But I ACTED exactly the same as I had before, when I was truely motivated from the INSIDE.
Only now, I was not. So I think I motivated me from the "outside"
telling me: you must do this now. Now this.
I had a busy schedule before, which i really loved to have.
But then I just HAD to have it and continue it because.... well I just wanted to go things back to how they used it.
I think I didnīt notice how I actually didnīt want this anymore.
A Psycholigist in a clinic asked me once about it: What DO you really want? And I said: nothing. It was honest. I couldnīt think of anything I felt from within I really wanted to do.
I could feel that I wanted to want to do all the things I used to love to do.
But I didnīt. And just doing them anyway didnīt solve it either.
Is this just some sort of depression? When you donīt want anything anymore? I never thought of myself as depressed because I was still so eagerily trying to make myself better and to go on and on and on.
Only now Iīm coming to honestly asking the question: What do I really really want? And Iīm scared to be honest because Iīm not sure I want much anymore. I used to be able to motivate myself so well.
But now, Iīm afraid, if Iīm being really really honest, I canīt. Not from the inside. I can make myself do things but I canīt make myself WANT things anymore. This is really scary because this might mean that Iīll stop thriving. And I donīt want to stop.
I love thriving and learning and getting forward.
Or maybe I feel that I have to?
Sorry for the long post.
Can anyone help?
