I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I always forget to take my meds. I never can find the money to get in to a pdoc or a T. Really, PC is the only thing I have that I use to help my mental health.

And, I don't feel great or anything.

But, what if, I'm just supposed to be this way and why should I have to change to fit what people say I "should be." ???

I've always been on the more rebelious side, even if you maybe don't notice it. Because, I'm strange and subtle.

But, what if I'm okay with being off kilter? My rage has lessened a lot in the past couple of months, even with me forgetting my meds. Now and then there's been a bit of a blow up. But.... before, like, I never got mad really. Maybe I'm like Adam Sandler in that movie "Anger Management" and that I have always been angry but just holding it in. So maybe, I don't need meds, I just need to learn to express my anger in a healthy way. Not hold it in or explode.

Maybe, I'm supposed to hear things and see things from time to time. Maybe I really am a little bit magic.

I think my whole life I've lived believing it's not okay to be me. I mean, my freinds obviously didn't like me for what I was. They talked down to me and made me feel terrible about being me. I was bullied so bad, just because I don't look or act or think like other people. Even my dad has never accepted that I'm not a 1950s house wife and I don't make the same choices as one, especially since I was a child in 80s and a teen in the 90s.

What if.... having bipolar really isn't that big of a deal for me? Sure, I have depression but I get through it. Yes, I need to work on some SI issues, but since I seemed to get past my suicidal issues, I feel I can do succeed. Sure, maybe I'm a bit moody. Maybe I'm forgetting everything and my thoughts are a hurricane. But, then, I get these brief moments of pure clarity.

What if that's how it's supposed to be?

The one thing I've always dreamed of is for someone to accept me for who I am and not expect me to be anyone or anything else. And, I don't think I'm ever going to find that.... unless maybe that person is me? Maybe I'm looking for me and I can't expect that of anyone else.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy.