Hi,

I'm hopeing this is a place for the non-sufferer of depression. I feel the life sucked out of me, and feel horribly selfish, but I really can't take it. It's hard to live the rollercoaster of being married to someone with depression. My husband is non-compliant, each time he feels better, doesn't like the current diagnosis (was dx. as bipolar 2 last year and went to a new dr to hear something different then stopped his antidepressant again).

He is suffering more this episode than any and for me it's more proof I don't want to stay with him. I can't tell him, but I have been advised to not lie to him also. I'm tired of leaving, I'm tired of discussing our marriage, his conditions, his medications. I tried psych nursing once, I'm not cut out for this. I know how bad it sounds, but I can't really be supportive. I know it's not something he can just wish away or say snap out of it, but it's so hard on this end. I feel like I've got another child and not just in the picking up after, but the careing for and raising. I know it's not my job, but how can you not take care of someone who shares your home, your children, your fianaces. If he's not paying the bills I have to ask, look for and check up. If he's down and avoidant, I have to entertain the kids, make sure they get where they need to go, do their homework, and are unaffected by the gloom of the house these are not options. We tell no one, we don't discuss it when the episode has past. I tired last year to give him to "jobs" in our home, to attempt to keep him engaged. He didn't do them after the first 2 months. I knew then that his priority is not us. Sadly, it's him. When he's like this he says, you just want me gone. And yes, he is right, I just want him out of my home. I would always be here for him but I really dont' want to live with it any more. when he's kind and loving, he's exactly that kind and loving, but upset if I'm not receptive or appreciative enough. It's just so hard most of the time.

Can anyone relate? Am I being a horrible person? How much can the care giver take or have to take. I do not mean to offend anyone who does suffer from depression or any other illness. I do not l "down" on anyone, but I also know if given a crystal ball, I'd have made other choices. I'm not a cold person, if I married a diabetic who didn't take his condition serious, I'd feel the same. If I married someone with heart disease didn't take his meds, I'd feel the same. With depression, for me it is more fearful, what if I say the wrong thing, what if I leave and he gets worse? I could really use some advice here.