Well, I had my first session with my "new T" (I guess) today.

I liked the books on the bookshelf in the waiting room. A lot. So much that it made me tear up because it gave me some hope.

He was nice. Calm and gentle. He didn't really take a history (THANK YOU, NEW T), we just talked. I told him the main reason why I was there, and we talked about that a bit. He said all the right things...without tearing apart my Old T, who has been helping me through this a bit after all...and he just let me feel how I felt.

It's funny, because now I remember how strongly I felt certain things at the beginning of my therapy with Old T...the main one being "this man had better never touch me for any reason". OMG. I forgot how huge that feeling was, and it's back. And it's fine. I don't want to be touched. When he handed me a pen I took it with my fingertips so there would be no chance of contact.

But he feels safe enough, I think, and seems like he can help me through this time.

He said I am really good at talking about my feelings, which was kind of funny, because that's why I started therapy in the first place 5 years ago. To feel my feelings. Success.

At the end, he asked if I thought we could work together and I burst into tears. Like, really, sobbing tears. And he stopped what he was doing (getting papers) and said "what are the tears about?" and I told him I was just SO sad about how things worked out. And he said we can talk about Old T as much as we need to, and that maybe I would get some things from new T that I couldn't get from Old T, just like I got some things from Old T that I might not get from new T.

There's more, but that's kind of a summary. I cried so hard on the way home that i was afraid my phone would break if I called someone. Like buckets of tears.

I'm exhausted. I want to talk to Old T about New T, so I left a message. The fact that he's willing to help me through this transition is actually really nice.