Don't make this about "discriminating against" or "stigmatizing" a diagnosis. I basically summarized what is well known and documented by many practitioners and by the literature, not just text books. The disorders are biologically different and the behaviors are driven by different reasons. If there were not patterns and characteristics that were similar there could not be a "diagnosis."
Of course we are not talking about "Everyone" but the characteristics that are associated with the diagnosis are well documented. The behaviors are part of the diagnosis... just as a binging and purging behaviors are associated with the diagnosis of certain eating disorders.
Even Dr. Jon of PC writes about "borderline" behaviors:
"They experience intense abandonment fears and
inappropriate anger, even when faced with a realistic separation or when there are unavoidable changes in plans. For instance, becoming very angry with someone for being a few minutes late or having to cancel a lunch date."
"People with borderline personality disorder may idealize potential caregivers or lovers at the first or second meeting, demand to spend a lot of time together, and share the most intimate details early in a relationship. However, they may switch quickly from idealizing other people to devaluing them, feeling that the other person does not care enough, does not give enough, is not “there” enough.
These individuals can empathize with and nurture other people, but only with the expectation that the other person will “be there” in return to meet their own needs on demand."
"These individuals are prone to
sudden and dramatic shifts in their view of others, who may alternately
be seen as beneficient supports or as cruelly punitive." Such shifts other reflect disillusionment with a caregiver whose nurturing qualities had been idealized or whose rejection or abandonment is expected.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/sym...lity-disorder/
"Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder
frequently express inappropriate, intense anger or have difficulty controlling their anger. They may display extreme sarcasm, enduring bitterness, or verbal outbursts. The anger is often elicited when a caregiver or lover is seen as neglectful, withholding, uncaring, or abandoning."
Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder may display affective instability that is due to a
marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety
usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
The basic dysphoric mood of those with Borderline Personality Disorder is often disrupted by periods of anger, panic, or despair and is rarely relieved by periods of well-being or satisfaction.
These episodes may reflect the individual’s extreme reactivity to interpersonal stresses.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/cha...lity-disorder/
Many professionals are turned-off by working with people with this disorder, because it draws on many negative feelings from the clinician.
These occur because of the client’s constant demands on a clinician, the constant suicidal gestures, thoughts, and behaviors, and the possibility of self-mutiliating behavior. These are sometimes very difficult items for a therapist to understand and work with.
Because people with this disorder often try and “test the limits” of the therapist or professional when in treatment, proper and well-defined boundaries of your relationship with the client need to be carefully explained at the onset of therapy
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/bor...der-treatment/
And your comment about "their behavior being more
under their control than ours" is actually not supportive of people with BPD.
That basically says they have a choice in how they act, and they make the choice to continuously act poorly (breaking boundaries, devaluing people, etc). Most BPD would argue against this, saying that their behaviors are uncontrollable because their feelings are so extreme.