I finally got the courage up today to suggest to my counselor the possibility of me having had CSA that I dont remember. For the first time in my life I sat face to face with someone and told them that from a very young (like 5) I had dreams of being sexually assaulted. The words wern't hard to say but after the wave of shame and guilt and fear and disgust was overwhelming. She said she had suspected such but didn't think that we should go there until I remembered something... because when I remembered something it meant I was ready to deal with it.

I thought it would feel better to say something but it didnt. I felt so disgusting and vulnerable. For over a decade Ive kept this secret close. Im 17 so thats most of my life. But hearing the words out loud from my mouth and hers made it so real and hard... and Ive known Im just waiting to remember something but this made it so real.

Since that meeting this afternoon I cant shake this feeling of being so dirty and gross and bad. I know I shouldnt but I do. And I just want to shower over and over and scrub it away... but Im like scared of showering in the dorms and the water is cold and Im afraid of a panic attack. Im glad I did it... but I feel so violated right now.