Well, I'd been saying I would move out to Colorado, and I finally did. I drove out here from New Jersey in mid-January. Since then, I've been staying with my uncle at his farm, getting a sense of the lay of the land out here, and figuring out what I plan to do with my life. I am happy to report that, after about a month of fruitless job searching, I was hired at a company in northern Colorado. Now, I'm looking into leasing an apartment. I've also started dating again - nothing serious yet, but a few casual-but-nice dates. I'm trying to take care of myself, although I haven't the money right now for a gym membership, and the trial Zumba class I took downtown was a complete disaster. Also, I'm investigating the possibility of returning to school in several months to work in the pharmaceutical industry.

So, in the midst of everything seeming to come into place here, I'm still scared. It could all go wrong so easily, what if it does? Because it has before, many times... I've been on top of the world, and then suddenly it all comes tumbling down. My past experiences have taught me that I can't have faith in myself, because the minute I start to feel proud of what I've accomplished, it all gets taken away. I like it out here - I like it A LOT, actually - and I have promised myself that I will never, ever move back East. It simply is a terrible fit for me back home. So, I want to stay here, but I'm so terrified that I'm going to mess it up. All I can say to myself is, "You're such a total loser, it's amazing you're actually progressing as well as you are. It must be via some miracle, obviously." It's a horrible feeling to have, but I can't take the risk of being happy. Otherwise I will lose it all...