I'm completely filled with emotion by reading your comments. I can't thank you both enough.

Does anyone know the song called 'Iris', I'm not sure of the group name, I have the song from the song track to 'City of Angles'?

'I don't want the world to see me because I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming. Or the moment of truths in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive'

Those lyrics just 'explain' me. I feel, at times, I'm just so far away from feeling anything 'real' because I'm too scared to really lay it all on the table. I KNOW the things I've done but I also KNOW the things that have been done to me. They are SOOOOO intertwined that I can't bring peace to myself. I feel my actions are a reaction to things that happened SOOO many years ago. Horrible things but, when thinking about it logically, it doesn't justify ALL the things I've done. I want to keep my children but at times, I wonder, how can I free them from the cycle or course that was passed down to me when I'm still learning to swim? I regret that I let so much time pass between my visits with my T. When I was going, I honestly felt improvement. She made me feel like I could forgive myself but she is the only person who would; I've never hurt her (I'm thinking of printing this page for her but I'm afraid I'll look silly or goofy or stupid or, crap, something).

I just want someone to understand and for a brief moment, you two made me feel that. I want to be ok in my own body, my own life, my own world but I hide so much that there isn't a soul on this planet (other than myself) that knows my destructive and selfish patterns.

(((((Hugs)))))