I think one of my biggest issues is that I've never been able to accept myself for who I am. I'm always trying to be someone else, because just being me is never good enough.

I have a lot of tangles I'm trying to work out. I get delusional. Last night me and my husband had a long talk about some things that have been bothering me. I get really paranoid and forget who is on my side and who isn't. I had a huge fight with my mother in law about undermining me as a mother. I'm trying to teach my baby to self-sooth, and she doesn't agree with my methods. She accusses me of being a bad mom every time she gets angry....

I tell my husband I feel like I have no one, and he's confused, because he is there. But he's there then he's not. Being in the same room with headphones on does not always equal "there." So that's what we talked about. We found a resolution, I think.

I don't feel like I have a place in my own house. My dad thinks I'm worthless. All the people I trusted in the past actually tricked me then left the second they were done with me. So.... maybe it's normal for me to get paranoid about people.

So, in my experience, I feel treatment has been "Take this so you be what we want you to be." Not my husband, he actually doesn't want me to have any treatment. He doesn't believe in therapy and he doesn't think I need medicine. He thinks I'm well just like I am.... even though I have my episodes and all of that. It's strange. What does that mean? I guess he likes me like I am, even if I drive him crazy sometimes.

I don't know.