Dark heart, I understand exactly what you are feeling. I went without meds for years and didn't give two craps about what people think of me. I realized most of my own family doesn't even like me. That's tough and I finally realized that I need to stop trying to please everyone else and try to focus on easing my pain and then I can see who I am. I am absolutely nuts and my family will tell you the same but I am what I am. I have accepted the ups and downs and dealt with them on my own for a long time. But I was also self medicating and ended up in rehab because of it. I continued to go without meds except for klonopin for my nerves. I realized it as time to take a look in the mirror and see who I am...besides a mom, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cancer survivor, care giver, and Miss Al to my boy scouts.....I am ME.... Never stop believeing that you are strong and beautiful.