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~EnlightenMe~ · Feb 28, 2013, 11:23 PM

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Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

I saw a new t yesterday, one of several I have seen since my old t terminated me and I have been shopping, and I am reeling from the experience. The t I saw on Monday said that I didn't "present" well and I might be scaring t's off. I am nearly speechless from how these two responses are making my head spin.

(((TRFD))))
I am sorry it has been so difficult to find a new therapist! It took me a month to get the energy to even start looking for a therapist, but after one definite NO, and a few appointments made and me getting the wrong doctor, I found my current T. There is hope

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After spending a half hour telling her what I am looking for and how I came to be here, in the circumstances that I am in, she suggested to me that I am not taking responsibility for how things have gone "sideways" for me.

This is an interview, right? Just because you present as being angry/blaming xT, doesn't mean that there aren't other parts of you underneath that the anger is masking. I don't think the first interview is the time to confront you, if that is what she was doing. I am glad you passed on this therapist.

As for being told that I present poorly, that rang true. I have not consistently presented myself in the same way with any of the t's I have "interviewed." It never occurred to me that I needed to be calm and rational, and not cry because it might scare them off. Do these t's think that because they don't work in mental institutions that they don't have to deal with the truly crazy? Yes, that's a little harsh, but it occurs to me that those in private practice do have it "cushy" compared to the warriors in institutional environments who don't get to choose who they work with. The problem is, I need help, and I'm not able to keep my emotions completely in check when I'm talking to these people and trying to answer their questions. Perhaps I should somehow collect myself so that I can be completely calm in the interview and then surprise them with the BPD behavior later.

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Let me respond to the last one first. OK, in thinking back about how I communicated the events that have brought me here, to this very bad place, I perhaps did make it sound as though I were blameless and that all these things just "happened" to me. Or maybe I even made it sound as though other people were to blame. Now I blame myself for communicating poorly. At least verbally, I am a poor communicator. I abbreviate all the thoughts that are swimming around in my head when it comes out of my mouth and then I am surprised to find that people don't understand me, or haven't "kept up." But I am also wondering why she would think I would bother with trying to get treatment if I thought everyone else was to blame? Wouldn't I then just go about life thinking everyone else needed treatment but me? Also, why was she trying to "therapeutize" (my made-up word) me in the first, just getting acquainted session, before she got to know me? I think she was out of order. I know there is something terribly wrong with me and I know that's the reason these bad things continue to happen to screw up my life. And I blame myself for her response because I presented poorly.

There's no need to figure out how you communicated poorly, of course you are having difficulty synthesizing all of this, you were terminated from therapy, and that can be majorly traumatic. Please, give yourself a break here Wanting to think/feel differently doesn't always make it so. You don't have leprosy or anything psychologically malignant, although I have BPD and sometimes feels that way.

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Finally, I'm now convinced that I live in a community where BPD specialists don't exist. The ones I've seen just don't express themselves in a way that suggests they would treat me differently than they treat their average client. Aren't we a different breed that requires a bit of specialization, or at least a willingness on the part of the therapist to do a bit of research on how best to treat BPD?
I just don't know where that leaves me. I've gone through the list of names I got from my xT, from names I got from my Employee Assistance Plan at work, and names I got from those lists of names. It's very hard to keep going at it, just to be rejected or disappointed. But the alternative is living in this misery or going through with one of my suicidal ideations. At least that's the way I see it.
(I apologize if you think you've seen this before. I originally posted it on the BPD forum, but I thought I might get some good feedback here as well. Thanks.)

IMO, therapists who specialize in CBT and surface behavior, don't work well with trauma patients. Can you find a trauma specialist therapist over the internet? Or call your local hospital if they have a psych ward? Keep looking, you will find somebody. I know it feels like rejection, but really that therapist was not knowledgeable in how to deal with what you were bringing up. It is hard to keep going at it I suspect, especially when you don't know if or when you will find a new therapist, but you will. Keep trudging forward. Keeping you in my thoughts. Take care!