Thank you so much for your thoughtful post, Open Eyes... wow, I don't think I've ever heard stuff that so deeply touches where I've been, gone through, and am dealing with today. The huge thing I realized reading your post is that, like you, I'd been terribly down and unhappy, wanting to die, but somehow always managed to tough it out. In my case I had sworn to myself I would NOT become another statistic like ALL of the older males in my family. Not so much that I judged them or thought they were weak or something, but that I had experienced deep unrelenting pain due to loved ones I had looked up to having chosen to end their lives. In the case of my Dad, he even told me he was going to do it, and why, and at 16 I bawled and hugged him and begged him to get help, to stay alive for us kids, for ME. He was too ill, too far gone. Days later, I got drunk with close friends, then very sick and told them what my Dad had said, pleaded for intervention, but no one believed it was that serious, even the older sibs & parents of friends who witnessed my drunken sick rant. It must have sounded insane. They took me home where my Dad answered the door and acted like nothing was weird.

Soon after, Mom was afraid to go into his room, asked me to do it, and there I found his body. He was 49. My entire world imploded, in a wrenching slow motion [silent] horror.

I would not subject my surviving family members or friends or lovers or anyone else close to me to that pain. Often I didn't have any of this in my mind when I was at my darkest, but subconsciously it must have been there as a silent force helping me through the worst of it. Then things would ease up a tiny bit, slowly, either from time passing, or meds helping, or seeing a cool sunset, or who knows, but I would get through that crud again and carry on.

Amazing to me that you found a person who effectively intervened, got your spouse to put the damned gun away (geez) and perhaps verbally slapped him around a bit so he'd hopefully begin to GET IT, what you were dealing with. My high school sweetheart chased after me in spite of my moodiness, won me over and we were together 12 years. But she had similar loss issues, having helplessly watched her Dad having a massive, fatal heart attack when she was only 12 years old. Her Dad had been her one true connection within her family and she was crushed. I much later learned that she and I had been drawn to each other due to similarities in our needs, but that those very needs would not be met because neither of us had the inner resources to mend, heal, whatever. We did our best to prop up one another but it was a very codependent bond. There wasn't the ability to help the other in some very basic ways. Eventually I got counseling and after over a year of that I knew I had to leave and "find myself". It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Anyway, such is Life, there are umpteen challenges all along the way. When a body does not have the strength to deal with them, then it's time for help. My therapy was touch and go after that, too little too far between, and much time was wasted being miserable while I tried to "find myself". Leaving my beloved had not solved much. I had intended a temporary separation but after a year she wanted to move on, and filed for divorce. It was the right decision but sure was hard. I gradually opened up to being able to be loved by others who knew my "story" and weren't freaked out. I was very lucky to have met certain people for they gave me gifts that I took in, I gave back, there could be some peace. I just never truly dealt with the losses, but told myself I had.

So now it is finally coming to light. I used to think that facing the demons of the past and all that loss would forever change me in some horrid way, or I would die unable to stop sobbing, or something. And I pushed the hurt away, but never had any lasting success healing deep depression, anxieties, and later what I realized with the help of others was a form of PTSD. Here I am, grateful for this forum and the likes of you, and for my caring counselor. It will be okay. There's a lot of work to be done, but I will deal with it and carry on, hopefully with a much lighter load to carry. I need to and want to be strong to be of help to my surviving sisters, one with severe depression and many health issues, the other with stage 4 cancer and not long to live. On it goes, Life continues it's challenges I guess, maybe one day I will stop wondering how much a body is expected to take, and just go with whatever happens, without judgment, without additional weight and pain. I suppose it is all to learn. To grow, to expand, to teach? It's a mystery to me.

Hugs back at you and thanks again for sharing. You're good people, stay that way.

Peace... Alex