Or is it? This is my first time asking for help. I wanted to help 10+ people before I started bxtching about my life. and well.. here we are. To the internet our problems subside. I'm probably posting in the wrong subforum/forum... whatever.

Anyways. I'm asking for help, yes, that's right. I said it. It all started when I got dumped almost immediately after xmas.

From that day forward, which has only been about 3 months now, life has seemed like it has been spiraling down like a toilet with all my hopes and dreams and I got to gain plenty of old emotions. YAY.... I love repressed memories and deep dark depressions happening all over again. (I'm being a smartass)

Let's start from the beginning. It all started when I graduated college last year, I immediately got a job as a technician at some hole in the wall crap hole. I met such an amazing woman. Rare, into video games, tattoos, super kind, blah Fn blah. I only mention this because we didn't last long. Anyways it seemed we hit it off, quickly. I've been without a relationship since 2005 because the last one really messed with my head. I tried hard to be with this girl, and finally, she said ya. It was not forced tho, I know that's what it sounds like. She was actually happy to be with me.
Days turned to months of mushy gushy romantic bs, I don't want to get into detail but there was a LOT of heart shared. A lot of emotional development. I don't mean that mushy gushy like you get in every beginning of every relationship, I mean that "mushy gushy" for years and years. Things were going great until...

until things didn't start going so great. We both got new jobs at the same time. Me, at Intel (thank god) working graveyard, and her working all in the AM mon-fri. So we never, ever got to see eachother. Hardly ever. We had to plan accordingly. I got to see her maybe just a few hours a week. I was really started to get pxssed off. So I said something, we then worked out a new schedule. Which crumbled at my feet as quickly as it was created. Every time we had time off she would rather be smoking weed with her friends and just watching movies at home. Idk about you but that is not the life for me. So I brought up the point. Her response, was heartbreaking and very powerful. Apparently I'm too serious for what she wants. And that is where it all ended.

I tried everything in my book to not end what was already ended. From mind games to pity parties to "truth be tolds". Ya I fxcked up big time. Whatever. I'm really good at fxcking up. A few weeks of this went by and I started to get furious how she could just dump me like that. I even offered to take a break and a breather but apparently that also, wasn't good enough. Then I knowingly talked **** about her to her friend knowing she would tell her. And that is when things got really bad. She text me saying how messed up it was, what I said and we need a break. It's been about 3 months now...

So, here I am waiting for a considerable amount of time to pass before I even think about contacting her again, trying to rekindle what was once had. During the wait I've been losing it. I mean, just losing it. I don't know how to deal with this very well. From drugs to tears. Every single one of my days off are spent totally obliterated on drugs and alcohol. I can't stand reality. I refuse it. I even want to resort back to the old times of cutting and smoking speed. Though I doubt I will, I still want to. I can't chance my dream job.

Everything I do, everywhere I go, every single little tiny thing reminds me of her. She got me a teddy bear for xmas and I still sleep with it. lol It's very irritating! I want to burn it with a nail it's head attached to our ticket stub from our first movie and our first kiss. My sleep has been very sporadic and my eating is... when? I get full off a $1 item. I sit here writing this feeling like I'm going to have another anxiety/panic attack. It's driving me crazy! My heart is always at twice the rate it normally would. Why do woman always play the key/controlling factor of my happiness or sadness. It's pathetic. I can't even live a normal life anymore. But why? Is it true love? Is it puppy love? am I filling holes from a long time ago? Am I just lonely? I don't know......

I mean.... I have my dream job. One major recent success in my life. I live my own life. Throughout my mountain of problems and a severely messed up childhood, I've done quite well for myself. I own land, a house, my own truck, whatever the F I want. Why am I always so down? Money isn't **** to me anymore. I throw it away every paycheck. I tried to put together a list of negatives that I hated in her to try and change my mind and not want her and find something that is 10 times better. I mean... Who wants a girl that has cheated on you, who is way too easy, a stoner, uneducated, lazy, etc. Being cheated on HURTS by the way. A ton. And for only dating 3 months I should have just told her to hit the bricks. But I couldn't. I saw something special. I just wish I knew all the answers. Nobody really does.

I'm sure everyone is thinking, "Well you should let this one go. You're obsessed. Just face reality, you have issies, (but don't we all?) blah, blah, blah" I know the realistic facts. It's just so hard to face especially by myself. I've never told anybody this story before. To everyone else it's just "yeah we broke up F her".

Anyways, any help would be much appreciated. I could seriously use it before I make yet another terrible decision.

Thanks for listening (or reading, rather) to my extensive rant. It helps regardless of who replies. It took a lot for me to write to even random individuals.