Before I answer, I should add I now have 5 allies in total in the outside world, Doug, Father Lindsay, a woman who is a cashier in the church bookstore, a woman who I offered assistance to a week ago) and Frank. Frank runs the Church library and now he's in as deep as Doug. If I need to talk, I can talk to him and that's saying something, because outside of writing, I can barely talk at all. (My speech is unaffected by my disability, so...that means the MONSTER'S running things!)

It was Frank who put the question to me: "What was the one quality about myself that I didn't want to see destroyed in a suicide?" I still don't have an answer to the question and I am still in a deep depression.

For you, I can only say this, there has got to be one person in your life that doesn't want to see you die by your own hand.

If you can't think of anyone, then I do not want to see you die. Your life is valuable, even if you don't believe it right now. Mine, on the other hand, isn't worth spit.

Of course, living for someone else isn't enough, at least I don't think it is. Pondering on the question that was put to me might be worthwhile.

One more thing to consider. I have lived a terrible life. I know this from experience. Death is not a beautiful thing. It is cold, dark, frightening and painful beyond belief. I could tell you stories of how I came close to death that would fill you with terror until the day you died.

It is to be resisted. It is a natural part of life, yes. But one does not run into its' arms and quietly embrace it as one would a lover. That is not the way is was meant to be. It is not right.

There are other ways of battling a depression. These are not easy and it may take some looking. I am fighting the battle myself day by day and hour by hour and it is HARD!!! It was easier to reach out for help when I was in physical agony than it is now. Now I just want to sleep.

But you have to believe and I have to believe that this battle is worth fighting, that this battle is worth winning. Because if life is not worth fighting for, what is there left to fight for?

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.