There is no question that BP is the root cause for all of the turmoil that I have lived with since age nine. It has:

1) aggravated my already out of control emotions that I never learned to deal with.

2) Caused a delay in learning significant, important social and emotional lessons in life that should have been learned at an early age, causing immaturity at an adult age.

3) aggravated my anxiety disorder extremely.

Even though it has caused this for me in the past, growing up, I understand now that it is not an emotional disorder. It is not an anxiety disorder or a learning disorder. I can blame it for what has happened in the past, but I can't keep using it as a crutch to keep from dealing with these things now.

I have learned that I can put in the work to learn to deal with and control my emotions. This is very hard for me. But I have started already, and with positive results. I know now that I can learn to master my emotions, even if my Bipolar aggravates and tries to send them into turmoil.

I really am catching up with the social and life lessons I should have learned as a teenager. I feel like a damn teenager a lot of times. I see my kids learning things that I just got the day before and that bothers me, but as discouraging as that may be, I see it now as progress. Given my age and experience, I should excell faster than my kids will, giving me the upper hand to stay in front of them in this area.

I also realize that even though Bipolar had basically thrown me into a tornado growing up, not giving me a chance back then.... that I have been using it as an excuse and a crutch at this point in my life. I had given up on life in my twenties, but I am in my thirties now and I am also in such a better position in life.

But I have still been acting like I am in my twenties, and I know why. Because I have been trying to avoid the work. It makes me cringe thinking about it. I have anxiety and fear about these subjects because of my doubtfullness of something actually working. But I started with my emotions, and have gotten such a good grip on them in such a short time, that I can not deny the fact that it is time for me to start this process.

these are MY experiences! I'm not accusing anyone other than myself of using Bipolar as an excuse and/or a crutch. I have just realized this for myself. And I'm in a place in life where i can finally admit that and have started making changes!

So I'm excited for myself.

I know that before I was not ready and could not make these changes... but now I am finally ready and am seeing really positive results.

I can't do it, however, without admitting that I do use the disorder as an excuse at THIS POINT of my life.