You're hurting and you sound like you're thoroughly depressed. But you know what? These are things that we all go through when we get our hearts broken and you're not alone. Good news is, is that time pretty much always heals, even if we will never understand the reasons why things ended.

You've hinted at a past too. Perhaps a little bit of therapy could help you? Sometimes it can help so much. Try and make peace with your past, so it doesn't screw up with the present, and perhaps with your next relationship, things will go much better. Oh, and it may be healthier option than drinking and drugs. Am all for a good drunken session when a person breaks up with someone, but its not good to keep getting drunk. You're not dealing with anything when you are in this state, and I think you may be putting off the inevitable, as well as in danger of becoming dependent.

I really wish you the best, and good luck Mr Gadget Man! Hugs