Hello everyone i am having a bit of an issue today more than recently but i am not sure if i am considered to be abnormal or if i am normal because i don't really believe in it but when i think about my behaviour it causes me to worry greatly about my future.... would you mind if i explained it? i need to give some background information about why i am feeling like this today:
i have had issues with mood and moodswings for my whole life since i was about 9 when my mum married my stepdad and i didn't get along with him at all and i knew that there was a baby so now it wouldn't just be me and my mum and my sister and really i haven't been the same, and then when i was a teen ager i always had issues with moods (i am 18 and 1/2 now and things are getting worse not better so perhaps this is not just a teenager thing as everyone suspected)
but then my worst point was around 15 when i lost all my friends through isolating myself and mood and what not
but then when i was 16 i got a boyfriend and i loved the attention and i wanted him to cure me and the relationship was very hard for me because i wanted it to be more intense than he was comfortable with
but he made me worse and called me "dishonest" for labelling myself as stupid when i did well in my school results (better than him). he was horrible (HORRIBLE) to me for months after that and then dumped me.
then 17, (2012) was the hardest year of my life and the year i started self harming because all my emotions were too much and then they would just cut out and then the pain was like taking a wound and rubbing salt and vinegar right into it not even ONTO it but INTO it.
then at the end of 2012 i made a big life changing decision over the course of about a week that i would apply to film school. i got the prospectus on the wednesday, called on the thursday, applied on the friday, interview on monday and confirmation of place on monday evening. since it's a private college, immediate downpayment was required so my mum had to find £4000 to secure my place. i was ecstatic but i did not take time to think through other options or implications of this snap and rash behaviour. since then my life has not really been the same, as i have realised that i am going to have to live at home now and also am going to have £26,000 more debt than my peers at the end of my course. this causes me great anxiety. but more importantly i question every day whether or not i will be able to do the course and it causes me great pain.
but really my dream all the way through life was to be a singer and i have almost abandoned the dream now (but when i was dumped i retaliated by booking a gig which i then played...i do things like that in great big flurries of excitement when i can do antyhing and i will be the next lady gaga etc etc even though i know i am not) and the gig actually went well but i coudln't bring myself to book another one and this was a year ago now. i have always loved performing and i like to act and sing and that causes confusion for a lot of people when i say that i hate myself and have no self confidence or self esteem becuase they say, "but you can stand in front of 200 people and sing!" but it's not the same thing, performing is the only time i get any relief from being me and get to be someone better or fantasy.i've only ever done school shows though i am nothing special
and today i felt very awful about myself because i heard on facebook and other social media places of a girl from my school who is doing very very well for herself with interest from simon cowell etc for her talent as a musician and as much as i am pleased for her i feel so angry at myself for being totally inadequate and untalented and stupid so that's what triggered today's bad bad bad feelings.
in 2012 i also tried to learn to drive but it was so anxiety inducing to me, i have never done anything so scary and i had to stop because i was feeling sick all week before a lesson. i feel like i sort of let everyone down in that sense because my family was excited for me to be doing something new and now nobody mentions it around me.
i went to the doctor about how i was feeling and she sent me to a neurologist who booked an MRI and an EEG (or is it ECG i cant remember) but i never heard anything back or had any follow up appointments so i dont know waht to do there but she thought i might be epileptic on account of my memory problems and hearing things late at night??? i don't know what that has to do with it but i must have said something that interested her. the neurologist wanted to know about family histories of schizophrenia and bipolar and he was interested in that but i didn't know of any
i have been having counselling since october and i think it's helpful in some aspects so i am no closer to knowing if there is anything i can really do to make my life a little bit more ok and less painful. i feel like a very small baby who makes BIG adult decisions without understanding them and being totally and utterly unprepared to face them so i have to run away from them which causes a lot of pain for me and probably for other people around me. my counsellor has expressed concern that i may have some form of eating disorder and he has also mentioned some things about OCD on account of how stressed i get around clutter and how i go through periods of tidying and cleaning and decontaminating and i never touch doorhandles when i can avoid it and how my skin crawls when i go on the bus but in honesty i think thats just a stress response because it comes and goes, i don't think i am ocd or ED because my issue is not with food itself but the sounds etc of eating when i am stressed and i think about food a LOT in a bad way and am terrified of getting fat BUT i don't stop eating or vomit.
but what i am most worried about is how people might not tolerate that in the work place, let alone the film industry where you have to be reliable and able to work through a lot of stress, and also special and stand out. if i cant handle the stress of being alive in general how can i inflict that competition and stress upon myself and other people in less than a year's time??? i am so worried and concerned and i can't just breathe through it. what i wanted to know is does anybody recognise themselves in this disorgansed sense of like self maintenance?? and what can i do??? thank you very much