Quote:
Originally Posted by Secretum
Whenever things are hard for me, I think about sui. I'm a coward; I've never attempted and I probably never will. But I think about it a lot.
Tonight, I think that I should kill myself because:
-My friends don't really care
-I'm pathetic, lazy, and never will change
-I keep thinking about it but never act; if I was really a sincere person, I'd act on my thoughts
None of that makes any sense, does it? Why am I like this? Instead of thinking about how to fix the problems in my life, I automatically think about sui.
Tonight has not been very good for me, and I don't even know why. My thoughts just sort of turned really dark, and I don't feel like they make much sense.
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I marked this as triggering just in case.
This is my own personal opinion on this. It's only based on observations I have lived through myself.
I struggled with the suicidal thoughts issues for longer than I can remember. I do have three attempts, two as a teenager and one as a young adult. None were successful.
These thoughts, in my opinion, are part of the mis-wiring of the brain for MI. Not everyone has it, but I think it's pretty common. I know that for me, as soon as something would go bad, triggering me into depression, the suicidal thoughts would just flood in unannounced. Usually, they were just fleeting thoughts and go away. Sometimes stronger. For my 3 attempts, I had no plan, they were all sudden and rash, the first time I was not alone but the other two times I was alone, so it wasn't "attention" seeking like some people claim. But, I've also had plans before, very specific and detailed ones.
I have come up with two analogies for suicide.
The first is that suicidal thoughts are litle a little demon whispering in your ear. It's always there, waiting for you to let your guard down. It's waiting to tell you lies and make you feel worse. You constantly have to be on the lookout, because it can overwhelm you if you let it seduce you with the dark lies.
Second is that bipolar (or depression or whatever) is like a storm. Suicidal thoughts are the lightning in the storm. Sometimes they are just far away flashes. Other times, they are right over your head, crashing down around you. They are brief, temporary, and deadly... just like lightning.
You can overcome these thoughts with vigilance, but it's not easy. I have mostly gotten rid of them. I feel I have succeeded. In my bigger episodes, it might flash through my mind. But no more plans. And they don't come as often as they used to. So, I feel that I am successful in this. I also believe even though now I'm at this place mentally, I need to be careful. They could come back later if something goes wrong. So, I stay vigilent.
Remember: suicidal thoughts are a symptom of the illness, and not the illness itself.
