So I've been thinking about this for a while but held off saying anything because I've been nervous. I don't know how many of you are like this, but I'm one of those people who secretly stashes things to hurt myself with later. I'm usually pretty conflicted about it, which puts me in this cycle of stashing something, feeling ashamed, throwing it away and desperately scrambling for a replacement item. Sadly, I've been like this for a few years. There's just something comforting about having a sharp object nearby even if I end up throwing it out before I use it. I like the security of knowing I can slink off to my hidden stash and deal with my emotions quickly and quietly if need be. I don't want to ever have to go searching for something sharp in front of other people when I'm desperate. It's just always been a big deal to me to keep the act itself hidden, even if I tell somebody about it later.

But I'm so determined to beat this idea that self-injury is the old friend I can always turn to when no one / nothing seems like it can help! I really don't want it in my life. I would rather learn to deal with my problems than cut my way through them, otherwise they'll always be there...they'll always come back to haunt me. I know I will still make mistakes, but I want to try. Heck, I know I can't even fix everything in my life that bothers me, but I want to learn to live with everything the best I can. I want my pain to only be a part of my life instead of what defines me.

As of March 1st, I've officially hit my half year mark since the last time I hurt myself. The few people who know I even struggle with this issue think I must have successfully kicked the habit if I've gone without it that long. They don't know I still have something stashed for just in case...that when I go off to be by myself and sort through my thoughts, I sometimes run it across my skin and dare myself for hours to push harder. Despite not self-injuring for a half year, I realize I'm not truly moving beyond it if I keep it handy as the emergency backup plan in my head.

I don't know to get rid of craving it when I feel badly, but I think the next step to get healthier is to get rid of my stash I've been holding onto for 6 months. Honestly, just typing that makes me scared. It's going to be hard not to go searching to create a new stash. I don't know what I'm going to do instead whenever things get tough. Probably try to convince myself that posting on here will help.

I'd rather not do this by myself. If there are any other stashers out there who are tired of feeling like they're not whole unless they have something nearby, please consider giving it a try. It would be great to throw out our stashes together and be able to encourage each other on this thread. I am going to try to summon the nerve to throw mine away by 7pm EST tomorrow. I will be online around that time to post on here and talk with anyone who wants to. Or feel free to PM me if you don't want to talk about it openly. I hope I won't be alone...