Hi.
I don't think you stash is an unusual thing for cutters to have. I aways did. Its been two years for me, and there are still times that are really tough. People have different ways of cutting, from several more superficial cuts to exremely deep, deadly cuts. I tend to be very violent with mine. Sometimes I don't remember even having the thought just prior to the attack.

I don't know if this would help you, but if there is someone that you could give your stash to, it would give them a head's up. Also, since there is often some shame involved with doing what we do, giving your stash to someone might make you feel embarrssed to cut again. That doesn't mean that cutting is a shameful thing, but it can act as a deterant.

Prior to my last set of cuts two years ago, I had gone many years without cutting. I tought it was in the past, then a set of events happened that made me feel trapped, and that was it. The last time almost killed me. Literally. Since then, I give sharp objects that I may fixate on to a friend. That way, she knows there is a problem brewing, and it keeps me from cutting.

You've figured out that cutting really doesn't help you problems. At best, it just covers one and distracts you. Its like being an alcoholic. Or any addict for that matter. Knowing that you can stop the pain temporarily is often so tempting, it over rides our determination not to cut. Its not your friend. It only pretends to be until you suddenly find out that its become a behavior beyond your control. Like an addict, your drug (cutting), begins to help less and less at the severity you are using. It starts taking more and deeper cuts to give you the same temporary relief. The best thing you can do is seek professional help to stop as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will become. I do understand not wanting to give up your "drug' and also not wanting to admit how obssessive your mind can get with it, but if you want to emerge from this a well person, I don't see an option.

Please get yourself some help. You really don't want someone to find you on the floor having bled out, or lose a limb due to secondary complications of a cut that went too deep. Being careful with your cuts won't help you. Sooner or later, the odds say that you will seriously injure yoursef if not wind up dead.

Sam2