drinking to dull the pain is a bad idea. i stay away from the stuff because i love the feeling it gives me but it's not good at all and the problems are still there when you're sober.

i know how it feels to not see a mother as "mother". i have this problem with my bio-mother too. i can't call her "mom." she's not my "mom" and never will be. she didn't raise me and for nigh on 23 years she hasn't really given a damn about me. she's only recently started acting right because i stopped talking to her all-together and i have kids that she wants to see occasionally.

lots of hugs to you. i'm sure you're not in the position to get away physically, but if a positively-influenced opportunity strikes, don't hesitate to take it. i used a free ride to college and haven't gone back since. it helped me a lot. meanwhile, try to ignore the negativity she's throwing at you. i know it's hard and i know it's going to hurt anyway but do your best and know that it's your best by YOUR standards, not hers. she may have given birth to you, but she doesn't know you.