Open Eyes and iota, your posts are so helpful, some of the gunk is melting, clearing; experiencing odd but most welcome feelings... maybe just "odd" because the feelings are NEW for me, having never made such connections before with, um, comrades in arms.

Completely agree that there can be a healthy shift away from labeling the healing process as "painful" or "difficult"... amazing you should bring that up because I've often made such comments to others about the way we humans JUDGE experiences. Rather just let them be, "stuff happens" and it's only out of habit, social conditioning, human nature maybe, to always label things... good, bad, easy, hard, painless, devastating...

Like so many others, I've "thought" I wanted to end my life. Though never made a serious attempt, I went through the motions several times. So true that I did not want to die -- just an end to the pain. I wonder if that feeling of pain can be "re-thought" or "re-imagined" into a benign, more "useful" form. I am not well-read or educated about, say, ancient belief systems... but have always been drawn to those that seem able to approach Life from a calm, peaceful, passive perspective. The first impression that I can recall offhand was the (1972-1975) TV show, "Kung Fu" with David Carradine as "Caine/ Grasshopper"... and later, the Force in the early Star Wars films. I am so much older now but still hear Yoda wisdom in my noggin, haha. Well, why not... so much of it is very helpful and wise, and has surely helped change many lives.

Sometimes have wondered what it might entail to work a suicide hotline. I'd shrug those thoughts away because I never felt I was strong enough, healed enough, to be able to help anyone. Always an uneasiness, low-level anxiety, about the past... and was it inevitable that I would succumb to the darkness like the others had? Too often seemed exactly so. Months would creep by while I did nothing but exist, doing little more than sleeping. Better to sleep if I could, I rationalized, than give in to the madness and end it all.

Admit I have been prejudiced about group therapy having had one negative experience, completely unrelated to mental health, but sadly in my impressionable/ whacked out state, left me with a sour attitude about the Group Experience. I am willing to let that crap go and give it a chance, but for now am just pleased that my counselor is excellent and the one on one sessions (weekly) are beginning to open me up at long last. I will talk to her about group as I think she's mentioned that she sometimes oversees group sessions. Right now though, spewing the pent up grief is brand new and I dunno how it might feel to do that, if I even could, within a group of people. For now at least, it all seems very private... yet here I am seeking the comments and advice and companionship of like-minded souls.

Iota, I can't help but note that you lost, so very young, your loved one on an Easter Sunday... my Mom passed on that day a few years ago after a lengthy decline into Alzheimer's. She was in Florida, having been made a Ward of the Court due to the family's inability to care for her, everyone living far apart, nursing their own deep wounds. I had been with her for several years when she slowly became ill, and eventually turned against me in her paranoia. So I left Florida, returned to my native Michigan, and basically "watched" via emails and a few phone calls while Mom slid ever further into that disease. Talk about a helpless, guilt-ridden mess! So her Guardian sent EMAIL to us (three surviving members), telling us Mom had died that Easter. That's a loss, unrelated to suicide, that I definitely must work on. To be "neutral" and not judgmental: what an incredibly challenging disease. I can only pray that no one else I know goes that route. And God or whatever Higher Power please help all those having to deal with it.

Thank you both for your heartfelt support! And I hope to hear from others, especially those who have suicide loss in their histories. This bearing of the soul online is new to me and so far very good, very helpful. I'm glad we're all here. Alex.