One day I went to T, got really angry, shouted at him, cried and screamed at him to stop looking at me. I thought I hated him and never wanted to go back. Took me several days to make the obvious connection: I was going to see my dad later that day. I knew all about transference but I still didn't recognise it when it was happening.

In the middle of my rage, my T asked why I was shaking. I said: "Because I'm angry with you and I haven't had coffee," which wasn't the real reason. But, as I told him the next week, I hadn't actually known I was shaking. I couldn't feel it.

I asked T if he realised I didn't know. He said no, because I had come up with reasons for it. He observed that I didn't argue with him, or question it. I came up with an explanation even though I couldn't feel it and didn't know if it was true. And he talked about dissociation, which wasn't something I thought I did.

Since then, there have been occasions when he's said: "Do you know that you are shaking right now?" and I haven't known, as I can't feel it.

My dad had a fairly frightening temper. Not PA, though some things happened that were violent (eg damage to household items). I don't remember being frightened. It seems maybe I dissociated from it. Without ever knowing I had done that. And when I recently remembered some stuff about my ex, I realised my hands were going numb.

I guess I thought I would have known that I could do this. That it wouldn't come as such a complete surprise. I wondered if anyone else has discovered something like this because I find it quite alarming.