So I sent my T a break-up e-mail this morning simply saying I wasn't returning. But then I felt there was so much more that should be said, so I wrote it out. It is long, so I understand if it doesn't get read. The real important stuff related to my b**** thread is in the first few and last few paragraphs.

I feel like I have been trying, over these last few sessions, to figure out how we can continue to work together post the not special revelation. In a lot of ways, it feels like starting over. I was forced to see you in a new light, as well as myself.

Knowing that I would never be special to you, that you didn’t like me enough, that you would never love me was/is very painful. It makes me very angry. It makes me completely question myself and my world view. Yet, I agree that it is something I need to get beyond, to process better. I need to get out of that cycle, to be able to accept the care that people do have for me. Because, when it comes down to it, and I am completely honest with myself, I know I have an amazing family (and by that I mean parents and extended family) who would do almost anything for me. From being on my forum, I know that I could have it a lot worse.

But I do not understand their caring, just as I do not understand yours. I thought yesterday that I was trying to figure out a piece of the puzzle. You are right that the reasons I care for people now can tend to be self-serving…out of a need for people to like me. But then there are my family and friends from childhood who I must genuinely care about or else I would not get so upset at the prospect of them dying. But I cannot really pinpoint that caring beyond that. I just feel like if I understand what caring means to other people that I can try to understand my own or learn how to care in a more healthy way. You are really the only one I could try to explore this with, to understand what caring generally means, to try to accept that I will not be the most special. I thought that was what I was trying to do yesterday.

At the same time, I am trying to figure out what aspects of my personality that derive from this specialness need are good and bad for me. Just like you said that you like blue and greens instead of pinks and reds. And you are okay with that. I am trying to figure out which part of my personality and behaviors I am okay with. I thought I was trying to get at that yesterday because one thing that I think I like and might not want to change about myself is how much relationships mean to me. There is something to be said for me being able to trust more generally in order to have a healthier life. But I do not think that the value I put on the real relationships that I do make is wrong. I think it might be something I like about myself and would want to maintain.

But then I run into situations where I care much more than the other person. Like in therapy and probably with some of my friends. Maybe learning to get beyond the needing to be special will naturally ease some of the intensity I feel about the relationships. Maybe I will be able to be more casual, but I don’t think I want to lose the all of the seriousness and loyalty with which I approach relationships. That wouldn’t feel right.

So I have been trying to figure out how/if to re-adjust my expectations/approach to therapy. I feel like I have to understand the core foundation of the relationship. I feel like everything I was trying to talk about yesterday is absolutely more important right now. That is what’s work right now. It has only been 3 or 4 sessions since the not special talk. If I were to bring up school or food, I would have been avoiding what was important in my mind, what was in the forefront of therapy at the moment. Because I think you are right that learning to accept other people might help me better accept myself. Less self-hate might naturally help with the food. So, yes, that feels most important. It is possible that the way I am going about trying to figure all of this out is avoidant or just an excuse for easy therapy. That is not how it feels to me, but it would not shock me if that were the case. And if that is the case, can you help me find a more productive way to sort this out? Because I do firmly believe it is the most important thing right now.

I think understanding you and how I relate to you in therapy will help me understand myself more and the other people in my life. People in the world probably tend to be more like you than they are like me. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with me. Like that video I sent you. I showed it to someone else recently because I thought it would help them. They didn’t understand it. They said it was just dancing. I couldn’t understand how someone could miss that majesty in that video, but it was a real eye opener into how fundamentally different people can be from one another.

I got the impression your reaction to the video was more in line with just dancing than majesty. So when I am asking you about the caring you feel toward clients/me, it’s because I genuinely don’t understand. It feels as if we’re sitting down to talk every session but you’re speaking Latin which is a language I do not know. And I’m not sure it can be taught to me by each of us just forging ahead speaking our own language. I am trying to find the dictionary for some guidance.

I want to be able to work with you. I think you are committed to helping me, and I am invested in the process. Despite my grumblings, I have always thought that you were a great therapist. But what I am growing concerned about is that you may not be a great therapist for me. I do not want my desire for you to love me/think me most special to keep me locked into coming back to a potentially non-therapeutic situation.

I do not want to run away from therapy or hard work. I do not want that to be the reason I quit. And I don’t think it would be in this instance. After talking to some people, I feel more confident that some of my concerns are completely fair and sane. I feel that I shouldn’t be made to feel bad or odd to want to be special to you. Yes, it isn’t possible or healthy, but I feel it is not to be unexpected. I feel like the fact that I am the only one to talk of leaving because of your supportive style should not be used to imply that my concerns are strange or unfounded. I think the fact that I am so utterly confused as to what the right decision is, to my true rationale, is a sign that something is not right. I do not think what happened yesterday is appropriate. I understand not coddling me, but your reaction felt out of line. Wouldn’t it have been more supportive to ask me if I thought I was avoiding real issues instead of going on the offensive?

I don’t know if we can continue to work together. I sent an e-mail to terminate because my desire for you to like me always draws me back in even as I wonder whether we are in a healthy dynamic. I felt hostility from you yesterday, and I hated you back ten-fold. The fact that you don’t care whether or not I hate you makes me hate you all the more. And of course, yes, it’s also probably because I hate myself.

I don’t want to throw away 2.5 years of work willy-nilly, and I don’t think I am necessarily. If it ended now, I do not believe it would be completely due to me. Do you see any way forward and through this? I am not sure that I do. Do you see it as something we both have to work on or as just something I need to change?