Dreamer11: I feel the same way, I guess. I don't really have a stash, but there is one thing that I always use that I keep in some obscure drawer. I actually forgot where I put it a while back, which was a good thing until I accidentally stumbled upon it again. Now I keep it someplace I know and I haven't used it in a long time, but I am still aware of its existence... I suppose it really is like something I can fall back on in case of dire emergency, and that's a comforting thought in a twisted way.

If the object has been in the back of my mind and in the drawer as unconscious back-up this whole time, then I haven't been better. And not being better when I thought I was scares me. Because if I haven't been better this whole time when I actually thought I had kicked the habit, then part of me is thinking, "what's the point?" Like, what's the point in me trying to reject SI if I wasn't well in the first place?

I know this all sounds very negative and everything, but it's been a really really crappy week. I just can't bring myself to throw the object away even though I know that I should. The only thing keeping me from SI right now is my new year's resolution, but other than that, I really need to hear a reason not to.

Thanks for the suggestion though, Dreamer11. I KNOW that I need to throw the thing away, I really do, but it's hard!

- AJ

PS. How'd it go for you? I hope it went well